something paid in full...

one more... this is one of my favorites from 2002, written between thanksgiving and christmas. it was written about a guy i hadn't seen since early morning, january 1st, 2000. still haven't seen him. he was, without a doubt, my first love.

i want to see you because
                        i want to feel you because

because i think you owe me something.
         something you had once, first.

something i want, from you.

but first, come within range.  put yourself in the cross-hairs.
i want something from you.
                   once in tiny stolen capacities
                          once in full, paid back never...*

and you want something from me.    something you didnt have in a sh00ting star

something sand in your eye made clear.
                          something said once to constelations
                                      (through leaves)

i want something from you.

shh come near...
      only so much i can do where others can hear

i'll tie your shoelace for a dime
                fog your windows for a time

wash over me (like the surf?)::how long ago was that::



are you still ::still reading::

do you even know this is for you.

some early poems of mine...

as you ran off to the shore
it was as if you had never existed
like your memory dove into the crest
like the waves swept you clean (from sight)
and the lights on the oposite shore
obliterated even your shadows
but i knew your profile
i recognized the line of your shoulders
coming back from the dark and wind
to share the latest prize you've found
while wandering the shoreline
where you were all along
*you and your silly rock :) *
**********************************************************

we kissed infront of a passing train
like a postcard
like we were speaking french
thats why i love you
as you turned your head
your profile struck a chord
it was rachmaninov
(knew it by that one chord of course.)
and i saw a man
buying a postcard
of a couple kissing
infront of a passing train
i looked over next to me, and you...
you werent there
but the postcard fell from the man's hands
and landed at my feet
so i took it home
and tucked it into a safe place on my dresser
and sang it a song
in french
because thats why i love you
**********************************************************

sometimes...i'm a brittle starfish
too many too close no escape
sun star sounds like a better place to be
but a little too lofty and lonely for me
where would i fit...
opalescent squid mate all night
tentacles flushing red
when they succeede
sounds like thats the life, right?
but when the eggs are down, you're gone with them too
nothing like personally catering
an under-sea all you can eat
(the entre is you)
i think i'll stick to brittle starfish
fumble and stumble my way through
maybe i'll find myself on the ack of a sunstar
and see if i can save the day...
************************************************************

he talks in phrase-like questions
what kind of language is that?
you're made angry by the words you shape
mouth remembers words of hate
the questioning mouth holds wonder
and curiosity on its lips
*************************************************************

(they're old, early 2002, but i like them. hope you do too.)

gosh darn it, people like me.

forget it! i like who i am. i'm tired of counting. measuring. weighing.

yeah, i'll probably measure every now and then, i may even go back to a schedule... but for now, well, i just don't wanna. and you can't make me.

but in the mean-time, i have good news! i raised over $400 for kids with cancer!! yaaaay! and my head's really cold all the time now! yaaaay! hah.

i'll tell the whole story later, but not only was saturday important because of st. baldricks, but it was also a first date with a lovely young man named george. i don't have time to tell you much about him, so this little snippet of one of our conversations will have to suffice for now:

me: interesting fact; if i had ben a boy, my name would've been george.
george: ewwwww. well, it's over now. i'd never consider dating a george. sorry. o.O
me: that's a shame, cause i could really see myself with a wolfgang :-D
george: i so don't look like a wolfgang.
me: yeah, well, i don't look much like a george, either.

check out the st. baldrick's album on my myspace page for pics of both me and george. and if anyone knows how to make myspace stop uploading my pictures sideways, now's the time to tell me.

going bald for cancer

alright guys, i know i've been lame. i know i haven't posted in a while, and i know i deserve nothing from y'all... but i'm here to ask for it!!

i'm in a desperate race to raise as much money as possible for a children's cancer charity before 5pm tomorrow... when i get my head shaved! that's right, tomorrow, i go under the blades at the st. baldrick's party!

so please, i'll love you forever and you'll be eternally in my heart if you'll CLICK RIGHT HERE and head over to the page to drop off a little donation. or, if you'd like you can paypal me your donation, brokedown_tiger@yahoo.com and i pinky-swear that i'll forward the amount directly to st. baldrick's (as long as you put the name of the charity in your subject line or something).

in addition, i'll be sending random gifts to 3 of my donors... names to be selected on sunday once my head's all cold and stuff.

so c'mon, please, pull out those credit cards. crack open that paypal acount. if you live near me, i'll even take a baggie of pennies. i'm going bald for children with cancer, won't you please help me out? and tell your friends!!!

***************
on a more personal note, my aunt had her last chemo session last friday, i'm so happy!

no, i don't think it was 42...

i feel like somewhere between sleep and waking, i knew the secret to life... and i forgot it.

and everyone can just read what i've done on my face.
******************************************************

if you can't tell from the decline in entry quality... i've been in a serious funk lately. i honestly... DONT know what the deal is. i'm exercising, i'm eating better, i'm seeing a counselor... so why do i keep waking up every morning with that same strange feeling? why do i keep remembering fragments of dreams involving my ex boyfriend? why do i... keep having dreams that i'm pregnant?

and why do i wake up every morning feeling completely drained.

i'm working on a running mix... i'm going to attempt to go for a jog after work. that is, if i don't have to walk home. if i have to do that hill, all bets are off.

i hear jogging's good for your mood. i'm supposed to go out with my little brother tonight, and i really don't want to spread this FUNK around. maybe i'll put some funk on the mix... funk the funk out.

ok... that's enough funk.

i started my threesixty6 project last night. day one is me showing off the clapotis that i cast off about an hour before that was taken.



smokin' stats:
day: 0
week: 17
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 5
total: 27.75

i select you, naturally!

in trying to figure out more of what i want to be when i grow up, there are a few things that i keep going back to... cooking, animals, etc. i can't picture myself ending up back in the field of working with mentally disabled adults and kids, it's just not for me as a lifelong-choice. however, if you'll watch the video on this journal... i hope you'll understand that it's moments like that that DO give me a little pang of... almost missing it. i always said about that job; when it's bad, it sucks donkey balls. but when it's good... it absolutely melts your heart.

i'm feeling a bit stagnant these days... still walking a lot, still trying to do right by myself, but just not feeling like i have much to say. and i don't want posting to become something i have to force, cause then i'll grow to hate it. i know me, though... this too shall pass and i'll be back to my usual charming verbose self :)

till then, in honor of darwin's birthday i offer you this oh-so-darwinian valentine:


(anyone else find it just a little ironic that i'm posting a video of a child with autism alongside a darwinian concept? anyone? beuler?)

the terrible twos

this was a rather discouraging week. i feel like i've been working so hard... i do my old ballet barre routine at home on some nights... on other nights, i do push-ups and play with my dog... i've put ACTIVITY back in my life! i love throwing on a song and dancing around like a nutjob for a little while, i love playing a game of wii sports with my little brother and getting really into it!!

but why are the measurements still exactly the same?
why does my body still feel exactly the same?

i'll resume measurements next week.

(this feels like such a childish post! like i ought to be stomping my feet as i slam doors... no, i want to lose weight NOW! i know it's silly, i know it takes time, i know i need to make drastic diet changes too... but just let me have my little temper tantrum for a few minutes, ok?)

smokin' stats:
day: 6
week: 26
runagogo:
day: 3.5 (took the long way home, heh.)
week: 7.75
total: 22.75

january reflections

slipping already, how sad... ::sigh:: well, there's one wednesday gone, but it's ok! just like any diet, you slip up... you forgive. you don't give yourself permission to eat an entire box of entenmans cookies just cause you slipped up and had three!

for the very few of you who actually READ this blog, pleasepleaseplease go check out feral and tell her how wonderfully she's doing. i wish i was crazy brave enough to post a video of myself... i haven't even given you a full length picture yet! i suppose that should be my goal for monday, eh? ok...

alright, january's done... let's have a little wrap-up!

smoking: still going... but i've cut WAY back
sleeping: worse. hm. going to have to attack that one. i'm having some weird freaky dreams lately, too. most involving an ex that i thought i was over long ago...
mental health: started counseling on tuesday. so far... she doesn't piss me off. and that's a MAJOR statement. i've yet to find someone i can stick with without driving myself even crazier...
eating: it's difficult when you can't get yourself to the grocery store... so it hasn't exactly been all balanced diet all the time. but i'm making better choices (whole wheat crackers instead of ritz at the market at the corner... a hearty soup instead of carb-y pasta...) and that's a start.
fitness: well, today was the first time when walking to work felt EASY. my legs are still sore pretty much constantly, but in just two weeks i've cut my walking time in half in the morning.. yay! i'm at 15 miles total, but i started a little late in january so that's ok. i'll just have to turn up the volume for february and march to keep ontop of that runagogo goal!

smokin' stats:
day: 4
week: 28, about a pack and a half in a week... not too bad.
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 3.25
total: 15

monday #2... even though it's after midnight, it still counts!

robert and me out at the checkmate

that's my lovely cousin, the one who's shipping out soon. his sister came down from boston over the weekend, and ALL the cousins (minus the two that live in north carolina, and the two that aren't legal yet) went out together on friday night. god i love those kids... we really had a wonderful time! so there you go, monday pic #2...

i'm hoping that by doing this eventually i'll be able to look back and see the gradual transformation as i get healthier... here's to hoping that works!

measurement time!! after my first full week of walking to work (with a few rides here and there because of nasty weather) i wonder if there'll be much of a difference...
bust: 49 (up .5, i expect this one to change a lot though depending on the time of month)
waist: 47
hips: 53.75 (down .75, rock on! when i say "hips" i actually mean butt and belly...)
thigh: 29.5 (well that makes sense, i guess... i'm walking a lot)
arm: 16

smokin' stats:
day: 5
week: 5
runagogo:
day: 0
week: 0
total: 11.75

robert's going WHERE?

ok so yesterday was mandatory hang-out-with-the-cousin-who's-shipping-off-to-iraq day, so i didn't post over at Through The Looking but i'll make up for it today. but i DID get a lot of walking in between yesterday and today! ok so i had a big ol' steak for dinner, but i desperately needed some protein. i had broccoli with it!

back to the cousin. the idiot did 2 years with the navy, as a master at arms, and was attached to a marine unit in georgia. he's been at home again for about a year, no with the reserves. but noooo, that wasn't good enough for him. he volunteered for a station in iraq. he's gonna be... oh crap, i forget the name of the place, but it starts with an R and it's near falujah. and he'll either be guarding a prison, or escorting convoys. guess which one HE prefers. yep, the one where you have a damn good chance at being shot at. in fact, he's HOPING he gets shot at when he's convoyed in for the first time, cause then he'll get his combat... whatever. i love the boy, but he's a little soft in the head. ::sigh::

smokin' stats:
day: 3
week: to many, last night i was quite bad.
runagogo:
day: 1.5
week: 2.75
total: 9