no, i don't think it was 42...

i feel like somewhere between sleep and waking, i knew the secret to life... and i forgot it.

and everyone can just read what i've done on my face.
******************************************************

if you can't tell from the decline in entry quality... i've been in a serious funk lately. i honestly... DONT know what the deal is. i'm exercising, i'm eating better, i'm seeing a counselor... so why do i keep waking up every morning with that same strange feeling? why do i keep remembering fragments of dreams involving my ex boyfriend? why do i... keep having dreams that i'm pregnant?

and why do i wake up every morning feeling completely drained.

i'm working on a running mix... i'm going to attempt to go for a jog after work. that is, if i don't have to walk home. if i have to do that hill, all bets are off.

i hear jogging's good for your mood. i'm supposed to go out with my little brother tonight, and i really don't want to spread this FUNK around. maybe i'll put some funk on the mix... funk the funk out.

ok... that's enough funk.

i started my threesixty6 project last night. day one is me showing off the clapotis that i cast off about an hour before that was taken.



smokin' stats:
day: 0
week: 17
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 5
total: 27.75

i select you, naturally!

in trying to figure out more of what i want to be when i grow up, there are a few things that i keep going back to... cooking, animals, etc. i can't picture myself ending up back in the field of working with mentally disabled adults and kids, it's just not for me as a lifelong-choice. however, if you'll watch the video on this journal... i hope you'll understand that it's moments like that that DO give me a little pang of... almost missing it. i always said about that job; when it's bad, it sucks donkey balls. but when it's good... it absolutely melts your heart.

i'm feeling a bit stagnant these days... still walking a lot, still trying to do right by myself, but just not feeling like i have much to say. and i don't want posting to become something i have to force, cause then i'll grow to hate it. i know me, though... this too shall pass and i'll be back to my usual charming verbose self :)

till then, in honor of darwin's birthday i offer you this oh-so-darwinian valentine:


(anyone else find it just a little ironic that i'm posting a video of a child with autism alongside a darwinian concept? anyone? beuler?)

the terrible twos

this was a rather discouraging week. i feel like i've been working so hard... i do my old ballet barre routine at home on some nights... on other nights, i do push-ups and play with my dog... i've put ACTIVITY back in my life! i love throwing on a song and dancing around like a nutjob for a little while, i love playing a game of wii sports with my little brother and getting really into it!!

but why are the measurements still exactly the same?
why does my body still feel exactly the same?

i'll resume measurements next week.

(this feels like such a childish post! like i ought to be stomping my feet as i slam doors... no, i want to lose weight NOW! i know it's silly, i know it takes time, i know i need to make drastic diet changes too... but just let me have my little temper tantrum for a few minutes, ok?)

smokin' stats:
day: 6
week: 26
runagogo:
day: 3.5 (took the long way home, heh.)
week: 7.75
total: 22.75

january reflections

slipping already, how sad... ::sigh:: well, there's one wednesday gone, but it's ok! just like any diet, you slip up... you forgive. you don't give yourself permission to eat an entire box of entenmans cookies just cause you slipped up and had three!

for the very few of you who actually READ this blog, pleasepleaseplease go check out feral and tell her how wonderfully she's doing. i wish i was crazy brave enough to post a video of myself... i haven't even given you a full length picture yet! i suppose that should be my goal for monday, eh? ok...

alright, january's done... let's have a little wrap-up!

smoking: still going... but i've cut WAY back
sleeping: worse. hm. going to have to attack that one. i'm having some weird freaky dreams lately, too. most involving an ex that i thought i was over long ago...
mental health: started counseling on tuesday. so far... she doesn't piss me off. and that's a MAJOR statement. i've yet to find someone i can stick with without driving myself even crazier...
eating: it's difficult when you can't get yourself to the grocery store... so it hasn't exactly been all balanced diet all the time. but i'm making better choices (whole wheat crackers instead of ritz at the market at the corner... a hearty soup instead of carb-y pasta...) and that's a start.
fitness: well, today was the first time when walking to work felt EASY. my legs are still sore pretty much constantly, but in just two weeks i've cut my walking time in half in the morning.. yay! i'm at 15 miles total, but i started a little late in january so that's ok. i'll just have to turn up the volume for february and march to keep ontop of that runagogo goal!

smokin' stats:
day: 4
week: 28, about a pack and a half in a week... not too bad.
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 3.25
total: 15