something paid in full...

one more... this is one of my favorites from 2002, written between thanksgiving and christmas. it was written about a guy i hadn't seen since early morning, january 1st, 2000. still haven't seen him. he was, without a doubt, my first love.

i want to see you because
                        i want to feel you because

because i think you owe me something.
         something you had once, first.

something i want, from you.

but first, come within range.  put yourself in the cross-hairs.
i want something from you.
                   once in tiny stolen capacities
                          once in full, paid back never...*

and you want something from me.    something you didnt have in a sh00ting star

something sand in your eye made clear.
                          something said once to constelations
                                      (through leaves)

i want something from you.

shh come near...
      only so much i can do where others can hear

i'll tie your shoelace for a dime
                fog your windows for a time

wash over me (like the surf?)::how long ago was that::



are you still ::still reading::

do you even know this is for you.

some early poems of mine...

as you ran off to the shore
it was as if you had never existed
like your memory dove into the crest
like the waves swept you clean (from sight)
and the lights on the oposite shore
obliterated even your shadows
but i knew your profile
i recognized the line of your shoulders
coming back from the dark and wind
to share the latest prize you've found
while wandering the shoreline
where you were all along
*you and your silly rock :) *
**********************************************************

we kissed infront of a passing train
like a postcard
like we were speaking french
thats why i love you
as you turned your head
your profile struck a chord
it was rachmaninov
(knew it by that one chord of course.)
and i saw a man
buying a postcard
of a couple kissing
infront of a passing train
i looked over next to me, and you...
you werent there
but the postcard fell from the man's hands
and landed at my feet
so i took it home
and tucked it into a safe place on my dresser
and sang it a song
in french
because thats why i love you
**********************************************************

sometimes...i'm a brittle starfish
too many too close no escape
sun star sounds like a better place to be
but a little too lofty and lonely for me
where would i fit...
opalescent squid mate all night
tentacles flushing red
when they succeede
sounds like thats the life, right?
but when the eggs are down, you're gone with them too
nothing like personally catering
an under-sea all you can eat
(the entre is you)
i think i'll stick to brittle starfish
fumble and stumble my way through
maybe i'll find myself on the ack of a sunstar
and see if i can save the day...
************************************************************

he talks in phrase-like questions
what kind of language is that?
you're made angry by the words you shape
mouth remembers words of hate
the questioning mouth holds wonder
and curiosity on its lips
*************************************************************

(they're old, early 2002, but i like them. hope you do too.)

gosh darn it, people like me.

forget it! i like who i am. i'm tired of counting. measuring. weighing.

yeah, i'll probably measure every now and then, i may even go back to a schedule... but for now, well, i just don't wanna. and you can't make me.

but in the mean-time, i have good news! i raised over $400 for kids with cancer!! yaaaay! and my head's really cold all the time now! yaaaay! hah.

i'll tell the whole story later, but not only was saturday important because of st. baldricks, but it was also a first date with a lovely young man named george. i don't have time to tell you much about him, so this little snippet of one of our conversations will have to suffice for now:

me: interesting fact; if i had ben a boy, my name would've been george.
george: ewwwww. well, it's over now. i'd never consider dating a george. sorry. o.O
me: that's a shame, cause i could really see myself with a wolfgang :-D
george: i so don't look like a wolfgang.
me: yeah, well, i don't look much like a george, either.

check out the st. baldrick's album on my myspace page for pics of both me and george. and if anyone knows how to make myspace stop uploading my pictures sideways, now's the time to tell me.

going bald for cancer

alright guys, i know i've been lame. i know i haven't posted in a while, and i know i deserve nothing from y'all... but i'm here to ask for it!!

i'm in a desperate race to raise as much money as possible for a children's cancer charity before 5pm tomorrow... when i get my head shaved! that's right, tomorrow, i go under the blades at the st. baldrick's party!

so please, i'll love you forever and you'll be eternally in my heart if you'll CLICK RIGHT HERE and head over to the page to drop off a little donation. or, if you'd like you can paypal me your donation, brokedown_tiger@yahoo.com and i pinky-swear that i'll forward the amount directly to st. baldrick's (as long as you put the name of the charity in your subject line or something).

in addition, i'll be sending random gifts to 3 of my donors... names to be selected on sunday once my head's all cold and stuff.

so c'mon, please, pull out those credit cards. crack open that paypal acount. if you live near me, i'll even take a baggie of pennies. i'm going bald for children with cancer, won't you please help me out? and tell your friends!!!

***************
on a more personal note, my aunt had her last chemo session last friday, i'm so happy!

no, i don't think it was 42...

i feel like somewhere between sleep and waking, i knew the secret to life... and i forgot it.

and everyone can just read what i've done on my face.
******************************************************

if you can't tell from the decline in entry quality... i've been in a serious funk lately. i honestly... DONT know what the deal is. i'm exercising, i'm eating better, i'm seeing a counselor... so why do i keep waking up every morning with that same strange feeling? why do i keep remembering fragments of dreams involving my ex boyfriend? why do i... keep having dreams that i'm pregnant?

and why do i wake up every morning feeling completely drained.

i'm working on a running mix... i'm going to attempt to go for a jog after work. that is, if i don't have to walk home. if i have to do that hill, all bets are off.

i hear jogging's good for your mood. i'm supposed to go out with my little brother tonight, and i really don't want to spread this FUNK around. maybe i'll put some funk on the mix... funk the funk out.

ok... that's enough funk.

i started my threesixty6 project last night. day one is me showing off the clapotis that i cast off about an hour before that was taken.



smokin' stats:
day: 0
week: 17
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 5
total: 27.75

i select you, naturally!

in trying to figure out more of what i want to be when i grow up, there are a few things that i keep going back to... cooking, animals, etc. i can't picture myself ending up back in the field of working with mentally disabled adults and kids, it's just not for me as a lifelong-choice. however, if you'll watch the video on this journal... i hope you'll understand that it's moments like that that DO give me a little pang of... almost missing it. i always said about that job; when it's bad, it sucks donkey balls. but when it's good... it absolutely melts your heart.

i'm feeling a bit stagnant these days... still walking a lot, still trying to do right by myself, but just not feeling like i have much to say. and i don't want posting to become something i have to force, cause then i'll grow to hate it. i know me, though... this too shall pass and i'll be back to my usual charming verbose self :)

till then, in honor of darwin's birthday i offer you this oh-so-darwinian valentine:


(anyone else find it just a little ironic that i'm posting a video of a child with autism alongside a darwinian concept? anyone? beuler?)

the terrible twos

this was a rather discouraging week. i feel like i've been working so hard... i do my old ballet barre routine at home on some nights... on other nights, i do push-ups and play with my dog... i've put ACTIVITY back in my life! i love throwing on a song and dancing around like a nutjob for a little while, i love playing a game of wii sports with my little brother and getting really into it!!

but why are the measurements still exactly the same?
why does my body still feel exactly the same?

i'll resume measurements next week.

(this feels like such a childish post! like i ought to be stomping my feet as i slam doors... no, i want to lose weight NOW! i know it's silly, i know it takes time, i know i need to make drastic diet changes too... but just let me have my little temper tantrum for a few minutes, ok?)

smokin' stats:
day: 6
week: 26
runagogo:
day: 3.5 (took the long way home, heh.)
week: 7.75
total: 22.75

january reflections

slipping already, how sad... ::sigh:: well, there's one wednesday gone, but it's ok! just like any diet, you slip up... you forgive. you don't give yourself permission to eat an entire box of entenmans cookies just cause you slipped up and had three!

for the very few of you who actually READ this blog, pleasepleaseplease go check out feral and tell her how wonderfully she's doing. i wish i was crazy brave enough to post a video of myself... i haven't even given you a full length picture yet! i suppose that should be my goal for monday, eh? ok...

alright, january's done... let's have a little wrap-up!

smoking: still going... but i've cut WAY back
sleeping: worse. hm. going to have to attack that one. i'm having some weird freaky dreams lately, too. most involving an ex that i thought i was over long ago...
mental health: started counseling on tuesday. so far... she doesn't piss me off. and that's a MAJOR statement. i've yet to find someone i can stick with without driving myself even crazier...
eating: it's difficult when you can't get yourself to the grocery store... so it hasn't exactly been all balanced diet all the time. but i'm making better choices (whole wheat crackers instead of ritz at the market at the corner... a hearty soup instead of carb-y pasta...) and that's a start.
fitness: well, today was the first time when walking to work felt EASY. my legs are still sore pretty much constantly, but in just two weeks i've cut my walking time in half in the morning.. yay! i'm at 15 miles total, but i started a little late in january so that's ok. i'll just have to turn up the volume for february and march to keep ontop of that runagogo goal!

smokin' stats:
day: 4
week: 28, about a pack and a half in a week... not too bad.
runagogo:
day: 1
week: 3.25
total: 15

monday #2... even though it's after midnight, it still counts!

robert and me out at the checkmate

that's my lovely cousin, the one who's shipping out soon. his sister came down from boston over the weekend, and ALL the cousins (minus the two that live in north carolina, and the two that aren't legal yet) went out together on friday night. god i love those kids... we really had a wonderful time! so there you go, monday pic #2...

i'm hoping that by doing this eventually i'll be able to look back and see the gradual transformation as i get healthier... here's to hoping that works!

measurement time!! after my first full week of walking to work (with a few rides here and there because of nasty weather) i wonder if there'll be much of a difference...
bust: 49 (up .5, i expect this one to change a lot though depending on the time of month)
waist: 47
hips: 53.75 (down .75, rock on! when i say "hips" i actually mean butt and belly...)
thigh: 29.5 (well that makes sense, i guess... i'm walking a lot)
arm: 16

smokin' stats:
day: 5
week: 5
runagogo:
day: 0
week: 0
total: 11.75

robert's going WHERE?

ok so yesterday was mandatory hang-out-with-the-cousin-who's-shipping-off-to-iraq day, so i didn't post over at Through The Looking but i'll make up for it today. but i DID get a lot of walking in between yesterday and today! ok so i had a big ol' steak for dinner, but i desperately needed some protein. i had broccoli with it!

back to the cousin. the idiot did 2 years with the navy, as a master at arms, and was attached to a marine unit in georgia. he's been at home again for about a year, no with the reserves. but noooo, that wasn't good enough for him. he volunteered for a station in iraq. he's gonna be... oh crap, i forget the name of the place, but it starts with an R and it's near falujah. and he'll either be guarding a prison, or escorting convoys. guess which one HE prefers. yep, the one where you have a damn good chance at being shot at. in fact, he's HOPING he gets shot at when he's convoyed in for the first time, cause then he'll get his combat... whatever. i love the boy, but he's a little soft in the head. ::sigh::

smokin' stats:
day: 3
week: to many, last night i was quite bad.
runagogo:
day: 1.5
week: 2.75
total: 9

the first of many mondays

for those of you paying attention, can you tell me what that is in my ear? ;)

so, there i am. in all my glory. ok, not ALL of it. gimme a break here... the full body "100% truth" shot has to be warmed up to. i'll get there, really.

now, as promised, the measurements. i've made no judgments about them, i refuse to feel bad about my starting point. i am moving onward and upward! but hopefully downward in numbers!
bust: 48.5
waist: 47
hips: 54.5
thigh: 28.5
arm: 16

interestingly enough, though my bust and waist measurements were so close together... if i measure directly under the bust (around the ribs i suppose) it's like 41 inches there! so i think i'd like to make 41 my goal for my waist... so it's at least a straight line down from the ribs. there it is, in writing. i can do it.

posting my measurements is not only a way for me to track my progress... it's also a way for me to better understand how my body is shaped! i realized that i haven't knit a sweater for myself in a long long long time. i think a part of that is because by knitting a sweater THAT BIG it's like accepting that i'll be that size forever. well, that's just not the case! and luckily for me, nothing's permanent in knitting. so i'm gonna brave it, pick out some luscious yarn, and start knitting a sweater for myself. i'm gonna put a bunch of ribbing in the body so that it's forgiving to whatever shape i happen to be when i finish :)

i've added new stats to the bottom if you haven't noticed. i'm really doing my dang best to cut back on the smoking, and i think if i see the numbers in print it'll help.

while still overcoming this evil cold, it's just been FAR too cold to actually walk outside lately. 3 or 4 breaths and i can feel my chest tightening up and the coughing fit coming on. so instead, i've been doing my old ballet barre warm-ups in my kitchen... how fun! unfortunately, that doesn't quite gel with runagogo... i'll just have to get back to that as soon as i am able to again.

smokin' stats:
day: 5
week: 5
runagogo:
day: 0
week: 0
total: 6.25

you've got nothing to prove...

so, again i have nothing to add to my gogo totals. i think between all the walking around the other day, and going out on friday with my cousin... i put myself right back in the Ick. i was finally starting to crawl out of it... but i think i did too much too soon. crap. and i'm starting my new job tomorrow! please, goddess, don't let me cough all over my new boss...

in lighter news, i wanted to share with y'all that financially irresponsible thing that i mentioned a few posts ago.

financially irresponsible. personally necessary. sometimes, what i really need is something to ground me and remind me of where i am at that exact moment... only then can i move forward. that's frequently what my tattoos do for me... next week we'll be adding the words to it. it'll say "you've got nothing to prove, stay afraid." the dragonfly and the quote are both from my favorite band, coheed and cambria. the quote, to me anyway, basically means you can stay exactly where you are, paralyzed by fear and whatever else is holding you back... or you can take the first step and move forward.

on a completely different note, i've decided i need a schedule...

tuesdays and thursdays are for posting over at through the looking. updates, funny stories, whatever. i'll also update my ravelry projects whenever i update my knitting blog. my ravelry name is TheLookingGlass by the way.

mondays and wednesdays are for posting here. regular updates, what i'm doing with my life, etc. and, starting this week, i'm going to post a picture of myself every monday, along with my measurements.

question for you folks, though... what measurements should i include? i'm thinking, bust, waist, hips, arm, thigh? seems like a good set, just enough to see my true progress...!

i reserve the right to add extra posts any time i want, but i need to set a guideline of minimums for myself. once i get into a routine i can relax a bit at some point, but as with every major change in my life, there has to be strict rules in the beginning... for my own good!

runagogo:
day: 0
week: 1.75
total: 6.25

back on my feet... almost.

omg, it's been THAT long since i've posted last? well, ok so if anyone here reads my knitting blog you'll have heard all about the dreaded ICK. a 'gift' from the gentleman of my affections, i was struck down by an evil cold last week. or what i THOUGHT was a cold, cause here i am a week later and i'm still coughing constantly, sneezing profusely, and carrying around 5 extra pounds of just PHLEGM. i didn't actually leave my apartment for a couple of days, thank god the puppy goes in a litter box.

...so needless to say, i haven't exactly been climbing the charts in the runagogo stats world! but i suppose times like this require forgiving yourself, so i'm just going to keep working on getting better... and just get back to moving as soon as i can!

i did manage to get outside for a little while today, though, and i walked 1.75 miles! it's not a lot, but after the last week it's a huge step.

with regards to the rest of my life... we'll face that in another post. not quite ready to get into all that just yet.

runagogo:
day:1.75
week: 1.75
total: 6.25

let's see, let me think back...

alright so... the couch to 5k thing? gonna have to ease into it MUCH more than i thought! i've cut down drastically on the smoking, but years of that plus my big fat ass mean that i was HIGHLY uncomfortable after attempting to do day one on monday. and today? well, with having picked up a cold from the boy, it was even worse. i made it through about 6 minutes of the podcast before i decided the safest thing was to throw in the towel. i walked home, had myself a nice little snack (two hard boiled eggs) and took a very hot shower.

tomorrow, i'm going to take a nice long walk. no jogging intervals, just me, the pavement, and a steady pace. until i can comfortably walk 3 miles (5k!), i'm going to hold off on starting the program. i think this is the best choice for myself right now... still moving forward, but at my own pace.

i did something really good and really nice for myself today... not the most financially responsible thing, but well needed.

i'll leave you with a quote from one of my favorite songs. i love it because it explains so well how i feel about music, knitting, and my other outlets. just because i'm not helping myself in "traditional" ways doesn't mean i'm not taking any steps to do what i need...

and I'm not freaking out
I don't need to speak to someone
mom you know Ill be okay
trust me believe me hear me
this is my therapy
this is my outlet
this mic's my tape recorder
this stage, a leather couch

runagogo:
day: .5
week: 1.5
total: 5.5

when hell is full, the dead will walk the earth

just so this place doesn't get TOO dry... not all of my goals for 2008 are serious and reflective and introspective... some are just fun! so i figure i'll share something i wrote for my livejournal page here so you can see what i mean:

ok so i've tackled ONE thing so far this year... a zombie movie!

i'll be the first to admit that i'm a big huge baby when it comes to movies. suspense, drama, whatever no problem. i LOVE movies. but scary? zombies? um... hold me.

but i woke up today wanting to change that. so i reached out to the first person i could think of with an extensive zombie movie collection (and it didn't hurt that it was one more excuse to hang out with him)... the aforementioned Complicated Boy! this is the email i sent him:

today, i find myself struck by a very strange tingly feeling. today, i've got a funny feeling in my tummy. today, i find myself wanting something i've never really wanted before...

to watch a zombie movie.

i know, right? i have NO idea where this came from, but i woke up this morning and decided that it was about time i faced my movie fear. now, i'm not willing to watch the grudge or anything (shut up, that commercial HAUNTED me!) but i think i just might be ready for Dawn of the Dead. i waited for a while, wanted it to be just right... the moment's got to be magical and special, you know? but... well... like having sex on prom night (which i didn't do actually...) this just feels right!

so uh... wanna watch a movie with me? i'll feed you clementines and cookies :)

and he said yes! he's a little (read: a lot) sick right now, so i really meant it about the clementines and cookies. he actually raved about my cookies (all home-made) and thought they were delish! yeah, i actually blushed. the poor boy also got a face massage for the congestion, and some lung work cause he's cute. (hey, i've got to put that massage degree to work for me SOME how!) he was still coughing when i left... but looked slightly more comfortable, and hopefully he was able to fall asleep right away after i left. it was worth it to see him relaxed and breathing comfortably for a few minutes while i worked on him.

but i digress! we watched Dawn of the Dead, one of his favorites. he's a bit of a Romero fan. i thought it would be a good way to start, with a classic. watching DotD with him was like watching Pop-Up-Video on VH1!! it was SO much fun, and really informative. i don't know why i was so reluctant to watch that movie before, this is a big step in alice world! now, to conquer the REST of 2008...

********************************
on a side note, adam used to say that one of the reasons he liked doing things for me was seeing my "excited face". nothing dirty, folks, but more about the fact that i'm a 5 year old kid. if a good song came on, if something was particularly tasty, if i remembered something i wanted to tell him, i would get all excited and kind of... bounce, and smile, and talk really fast, and get all animated.

adam told me once after we broke up that's one of the things he missed most... seeing "that face you make when you really like something, and stuff".

... that's the face Complicated Boy made any time he was explaining something to me or making sure i was paying attention to a particularly good part. now it just makes me want to make him smile like that again!

back on focus here... check out the time on this post. i THINK i need to make changing my sleep habits a priority.

runagogo:
day: 1
week: 1
total: 5

i'm gonna be a runner!

who'd have thought that sentence would EVER be typed on one of my blogs. weird. but there you have it, it's real and in print so i'm gonna do it!

i owe it all to rachael! i'm not sure yet whether or not i'm crazy enough to get in on runagogo (ravelry link! yaay!) but her blog pointed me towards some fantastic resources today...

the first is the couch to 5k plan (you'll have to search for it, i've misplaced the precise link, oops!). this seems like something actually ATTAINABLE. and as much as i'm a bitch when it comes to following orders, i really do better when i'm told what to do when it comes to something like this. yes, i have to make the decision to change for myself, but once i've made that choice... please god someone tell me what to do every step of the way! hehe. so this is perfect for me :)

second is a lovely man named robert who has made a series of awesome podcasts to go with each week's schedule! the music's a little club-y for me, but it's a nice way to keep time on the workouts so i can just focus on my movements. i'm definitely going to give it a shot. tonight after work, the little muttface and i will head over to the lighted track for the first session of the first week... wish me luck!

******does anyone else have any fitness-related podcasts that they'd reccomend? i LOVE being able to listen my way through someone's workout instructions, i think that's why i'm so fascinated by the whole Nike+ thing... but that's too pricey, hah. back to the point... workout podcasts? anyone? i'd love you :)*******

____________________________________________
ok i did it, i joined runagogo i couldn't help it. i desperatly need the motivation and encouragement of others if i'm gonna get through this. i'll try to keep my runagogo totals at the bottom of each post from now on.

i walked 4 miles last week so:
runagogo
day: 0
week: 0
total: 4!

welcome to the unraveling

2008 is the year that i frog myself! ok, if you're not a knitter, that probably sounds really weird right? well, i'm going to start over from the bottom up, rebuilding me, and doccument as much as i feel comfortable sharing here. how's that for plain english, folks?

i wanted the url to just be unravel-me, but that's already taken by some porn bot, hah.

i'll be going back and editing this post occasionally as i consider it kind of my "mission statement". so to get started, the first round of goals are:

1. eat breakfast at least 4 days a week
2. eat at least 2 healthy snacks durring the day so i'm not starving at night
3. incorporate more whole grains and protein, cut out at least 25% of the plain carbs
4. take the dog for a walk every day, and for a LONG (read: more than 15 minutes) walk 3 times a week (she's a tiny dog and doesn't really NEED to be walked... in fact, i'll be carrying her a lot, but she'll have a great time!)
5. get my room ready for the new windows to be installed
6. organize movie and music collections so they can stop their slow take-over of that corner of the living room
7. follow up on my application with SB University
8. figure out where i'm going to work, contact the lady who's already made me an offer if necessary (if i'm not going to take it)
9. meet the knitting goals i've already set over at throughthelooking!

see, it's not all about weight loss. it's about getting healthy and organized, and being happy with myself